please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
