I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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