Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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