I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
