My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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