i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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