I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ladies don't puke and tell
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
