dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
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