My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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