Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
