Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
tonight lets celebrate not being married
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
