I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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