last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
