if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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