Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
