but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize