it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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