Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
