theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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