Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
