soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
