im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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