i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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