OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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