My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This is the high leading the old right now
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
