I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
