My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
