I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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