I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
