You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
