is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
