my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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