Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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