I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
