I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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