12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
