sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
