Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
