I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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