i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
