remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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