I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
