my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize