I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
