My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
this boner is exhausting
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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