You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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