Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize