is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
