how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just forgot I was standing up.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
