I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize