They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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