just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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