There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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