my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize