Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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