just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
