Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
