The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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